Writer's Block. I suppose that's one way of explaining my inability or desire to write anything down, ever. or better yet, Mental Constipation. Something I've had a chronic problem of for about 20 years. My internal plumbing is all backed up, looking for some way out, but I just prairie dog it and just sleep it off hoping it'll fix itself. Which reminds me of this joke I saw... "What did the Left Butt Cheek say to the Right Butt Cheek? 'If we stick together we can stop this sh*doot*!'". So the Left Cheek could be equated to my pride and the Right Cheek my fear, stubbornness, idiocy, ignorance, greed, jealousy, hate...or whatever, I'm just sayin'.. all working together for what I'd like to think is 'my good' by neatly bottling up and storing away all the boo-boo in my life. But the sad thing (and I guess awesome too, if you think about it) is that it all finds a way of coming out, and when it does come time to deal with it, I'm on my porcelain throne all day wondering why on Earth this could be happening, pleading to God to make it all stop...or maybe that just me.
Which brings me to where I am now, reigning as the High and Mighty King seated on his throne ready to tear it up like a trucker at a bus stop after an all you can eat buffet at Golden Corral and a painful 5 hour drive. There is so much going on in my noggin that I don't even know where or how to begin, but the one thing that's been on my mind most recently has to deal with trust.
Which brings me to where I am now, reigning as the High and Mighty King seated on his throne ready to tear it up like a trucker at a bus stop after an all you can eat buffet at Golden Corral and a painful 5 hour drive. There is so much going on in my noggin that I don't even know where or how to begin, but the one thing that's been on my mind most recently has to deal with trust.
Proverbs 3:5-8 (English Standard Version)
5Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
7Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
8It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.
For some reason, this verse kept popping into my head and out of habit, I just dismiss it like every other thought that crosses my mind that I find unimportant at the time. However, when I actually came around and thought about what it meant to "Trust in the LORD with all your heart" I had to do something that I miserably fail to do all too often.
Stop.
and.
Think.
Actually take the time to examine my own heart, look at my own motives and truly see where I am putting the trust of my heart upon. Initially, I was quick to give the answer we all strive and hope to have, which is of course in our Father, God, but honestly, He is not always the first on my list. This then got me thinking again. How much of my own faith is just spoon-fed teachings that I've been content with and hold onto because I fall into the lies of just "doing enough to be comfortable" or the "bare-minimum to be happy" and not personally delve into the Word with a deep and burning desire to truly be a man after God's own heart. A man who "...leans not on his own understanding..." but on that of God's every word. Woe is me! I am ruined for I am a man of unclean lips! With the same mouth I thank God for all that he's graciously blessed me with one breath and question his love and kindness with the next! What's up with all this wishy-washy-ness!? It's that stupid roller coaster of faith all over again. I judge my faith and love for God based upon how I'm feeling still. I'm the whorish bride of Jesus Christ sleeping around with Joel Osteen and the "Be a Victor Ministries", jumping ship whenever the going gets tough. It sounds bad, but it's all too true.
Father, I confess with not only my mouth, but with all my heart, that I don't trust you with all that I am. I am like a wave in the sea being beaten, pounded and thrown around by the strongest of winds without any refuge in sight. But I pray your Holy Spirit would guide me, continually pointing my thoughts, actions and ultimately my life back to You. Help me in my unbelief, that I may trust in You and lean not on my own understanding.
Stop.
and.
Think.
Actually take the time to examine my own heart, look at my own motives and truly see where I am putting the trust of my heart upon. Initially, I was quick to give the answer we all strive and hope to have, which is of course in our Father, God, but honestly, He is not always the first on my list. This then got me thinking again. How much of my own faith is just spoon-fed teachings that I've been content with and hold onto because I fall into the lies of just "doing enough to be comfortable" or the "bare-minimum to be happy" and not personally delve into the Word with a deep and burning desire to truly be a man after God's own heart. A man who "...leans not on his own understanding..." but on that of God's every word. Woe is me! I am ruined for I am a man of unclean lips! With the same mouth I thank God for all that he's graciously blessed me with one breath and question his love and kindness with the next! What's up with all this wishy-washy-ness!? It's that stupid roller coaster of faith all over again. I judge my faith and love for God based upon how I'm feeling still. I'm the whorish bride of Jesus Christ sleeping around with Joel Osteen and the "Be a Victor Ministries", jumping ship whenever the going gets tough. It sounds bad, but it's all too true.
Father, I confess with not only my mouth, but with all my heart, that I don't trust you with all that I am. I am like a wave in the sea being beaten, pounded and thrown around by the strongest of winds without any refuge in sight. But I pray your Holy Spirit would guide me, continually pointing my thoughts, actions and ultimately my life back to You. Help me in my unbelief, that I may trust in You and lean not on my own understanding.
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